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A Dozen Poly Lessons

  1. There are 69 rules to poly, like whose line is it anyway we made them up and the points don’t matter.

  2. Poly is about accepting yourself as you are and accepting others as they are and proceeding from there.

  3. While poly is about the many the fact is no one can come between you and me except you and me and while blaming or focusing on others is emotionally cathartic, it is a deflection.

  4. Have some humility and always remember 2 wrongs don’t make a right and anger doesn’t help either.

  5. The question at hand is not “what if” it’s “who with”.

  6. Laugh at the poly dynamic and awkwardness it causes and if need be get a library card and check each other out to others kind of like a book.

  7. Tell them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The harshest truth is better than the sweetest of lies. As Jack Panete sang so beautifully, Heaven is a place no one lied.

  8. Establish healthy emotional guard rails. They are kind of like the bumper rails when bowling, they’ll help keep your balls out of the gutter.

  9. Remember that poly communication evolves slowly over time. When I first tried poly I actually got handed a card that read “you have permission”.

  10. Don’t let other people’s thinking about poly fuck up your poly. There is a reason I hate the word secondary.

  11. Be happy your lover loves and celebrate with them and wish them a happy anniversary if they have one.

  12. Want is a far better basis for a relationship than need.


Link to original Fetlife writing

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